I want to be a pretty pretty skinny girl

Dear friend,

I can't, I can't, I can't

express the anger and sorrow that I feel, 

it's still hard to believe the words you told me in my bedroom

that sounded so simple and innocent, 

yet so pure at that moment,

"I want to be a pretty, pretty, skinny girl"

you said.

I failed to fathom your true meaning honestly,

I just simply nodded and left your words floating in the air.

I can't, I can't, I can't

comprehend how much you committed yourself to a screen ,

your daily routine was instagram, facebook, twitter in repeat.

comparing yourself to others was such an amusing thing, 

"I want to be a size 2 like other pretty skinny girls"

you said.

ever since that day, numbers became a part of  you,

all day everyday counting likes, followers, retweets in repeat.

soon after,

you can't help to count the calories that lies in your food.

I can't, I can't, I can't 

imagine how you barely fight through every night,

when your insecurities creep into your mind 

punching and bruising your self esteem to the concrete,

the reflection you saw in the mirror was a freak,

how much you worth was based on

how wide was your thigh gap

how flat was your tummy

and how visible your collarbone was to be seen.

I cannot comprehend how food was your greatest enemy

but at the same time a dear friend,

you binged to bring peace to the war in your head,

it comforted and filled the empty void of darkness in your chest.

I can't, I can't, I can't 

understand how guilt latched on to you like a pest,

deluding yourself into thinking that you are in control

when you stick your finger down your throat

to purge and flush all your regrets away.

for every compliment you hear,

the harder you would force your insides out until

there is nothing left but blood, 

you blacked out and woke up in a hospital bed.

yet again and again, you kept doing it anyway.

you worn your heart out way too many times,

leaving it slowly to die. 

I can't, I can't, I can't

admit to the fact that you're gone,

now I am looking down at your pale face,

while you lie in this grim casket,

the loud and piercing sound of your parents 

wailing and screaming for your name,

"God, I would do anything to have her in my arms again!"

they said.

the realization that you're gone is non-existent in their heads, 

as they remember your birth just like yesterday.

and just before the lights burnt out in your eyes,

you said

"I no longer want to be a pretty, pretty, skinny girl anymore."

feels like we're going backwards baby

Hey yo im back yall

This year has been great so far

experienced so so much 

I felt true happiness this year a lot of times.

but still i feel empty as hell

why?

when is the void in my chest ever going to be truly filled?

is it my fault for blaming everything around me?

or is it actually my own fault for being grim?

I demand for an answer please. 

PS, to this specific sun i met, you came into my life

but i feel like you did more bad than good.

i wish to say goodbye to you now sunny.

PPS, I lost myself.

PPPS, i'm on a mission to find myself back.

PPPPS, college is stressful as fuck but i'm finally getting 

real education which i'm super happy about. 

thank you parents.

PPPPPS, sometimes i want to give up and just lie on the ground and eat chips and not think about life and my future and my pilled up assignments and my bank account.

PPPPPPS, i need someone to make me feel safe.

someone who is going to tell me 

"don't worry shyne-ni, i got your back."

and really really mean what they say.

hope to see you guys in a long time lol 
(cause i rarely blog unless i'm on the edge of my sanity)

run for those hills babe let go of the dark days let go of the world

Pretty Growing Pains

This year i finally turn 18. 

A moment that I've been waiting for such a long long time. 

After i finished my spm, i was really busy throughout december

and i felt like i was finally living properly. like i'm finally

breathing properly and everything that happened before was a 

dream. I'm hooked to that feeling.

Leaving school is definitely a huge highlight of 2015 for me haha

apart of me just couldn't wait to get out but apart of me felt sad

that i dont get to see my insane buncho friends as often. And also

apart of me was really afraid, afraid of dafuq is gonna happen next.

I'm oblivious but i hope i'm slowly getting there.

Also for the past 18 years, i have been through a lot a lot of growing pains. I believe growing pains are crucial so here are some of mine.

 endless self loathing 

hated how i looked. hated the way i acted.

hated why i wasn't as pretty as others.

hated why i wasn't as smart as others.

hated why i wasn't as outgoing as others.

hated why i wasn't who i wanted myself to be.

hated why i hated myself so much. 

the social pressures put upon my shoulders were so 

heavy i felt like my shoulders were gonna break 

and turn into dust. The stress and anxiety

come rolling in next when i was already on the ground.

I was squashed flat like a pancake. Being a teenager 

was really really hard. My adolescence consisted of painful days

and blissful days, but these growing pains are bittersweet.

Some days i wake up feeling blessed, i breathe in the air

in the morning on my walk to school and i admire the colour of the sky. Sometimes the sky is really blue with a hint of pink, yellow and orange. Some days i go on evening walks while i listen to lucy rose or bombay bicycle club and still have a really good time. Also somedays i do some really i crazy shyt with my friends and laugh so much till we tear up. Also when my family goes back to my hometown to see my grandparents when i was younger to celebrate chinese new year. These are the best times of my life. 

I just hope 2016 is going to be a good year although

i started the year by almost crashing my desktop computer, breaking a glass cup and an egg in a same day. I hope it's some kind of good luck ahahhaaahha lol idk I just want to be really happy this year. :)