that he who is not busy being born is busy dying

my happiness is a mask and no one seems to notice 
i guess i'm good at hiding my true emotions
at times i get tired of keeping my feelings hidden
when i burst, it usually happens in isolation
nothing goes my way and i'm constantly trying to adapt
i keep telling myself that that's life
but this is too much to handle
everyday i find that there are less reasons for me to feel alive
but i keep telling myself that i have to keep going 
trying so hard to take control of my surroundings 
but things keep slipping away when i try to grab hold of them 
i'm trying my hardest but it keeps turning out that way
i want to seek for comfort but others are so busy 
i'm so tired of feeling this way 
i want to find an escape
afraid to wake up to a new day
afraid to fall asleep 

I want to be a pretty pretty skinny girl

Dear friend,

I can't, I can't, I can't

express the anger and sorrow that I feel, 

it's still hard to believe the words you told me in my bedroom

that sounded so simple and innocent, 

yet so pure at that moment,

"I want to be a pretty, pretty, skinny girl"

you said.

I failed to fathom your true meaning honestly,

I just simply nodded and left your words floating in the air.

I can't, I can't, I can't

comprehend how much you committed yourself to a screen ,

your daily routine was instagram, facebook, twitter in repeat.

comparing yourself to others was such an amusing thing, 

"I want to be a size 2 like other pretty skinny girls"

you said.

ever since that day, numbers became a part of  you,

all day everyday counting likes, followers, retweets in repeat.

soon after,

you can't help to count the calories that lies in your food.

I can't, I can't, I can't 

imagine how you barely fight through every night,

when your insecurities creep into your mind 

punching and bruising your self esteem to the concrete,

the reflection you saw in the mirror was a freak,

how much you worth was based on

how wide was your thigh gap

how flat was your tummy

and how visible your collarbone was to be seen.

I cannot comprehend how food was your greatest enemy

but at the same time a dear friend,

you binged to bring peace to the war in your head,

it comforted and filled the empty void of darkness in your chest.

I can't, I can't, I can't 

understand how guilt latched on to you like a pest,

deluding yourself into thinking that you are in control

when you stick your finger down your throat

to purge and flush all your regrets away.

for every compliment you hear,

the harder you would force your insides out until

there is nothing left but blood, 

you blacked out and woke up in a hospital bed.

yet again and again, you kept doing it anyway.

you worn your heart out way too many times,

leaving it slowly to die. 

I can't, I can't, I can't

admit to the fact that you're gone,

now I am looking down at your pale face,

while you lie in this grim casket,

the loud and piercing sound of your parents 

wailing and screaming for your name,

"God, I would do anything to have her in my arms again!"

they said.

the realization that you're gone is non-existent in their heads, 

as they remember your birth just like yesterday.

and just before the lights burnt out in your eyes,

you said

"I no longer want to be a pretty, pretty, skinny girl anymore."

feels like we're going backwards baby

Hey yo im back yall

This year has been great so far

experienced so so much 

I felt true happiness this year a lot of times.

but still i feel empty as hell

why?

when is the void in my chest ever going to be truly filled?

is it my fault for blaming everything around me?

or is it actually my own fault for being grim?

I demand for an answer please. 

PS, to this specific sun i met, you came into my life

but i feel like you did more bad than good.

i wish to say goodbye to you now sunny.

PPS, I lost myself.

PPPS, i'm on a mission to find myself back.

PPPPS, college is stressful as fuck but i'm finally getting 

real education which i'm super happy about. 

thank you parents.

PPPPPS, sometimes i want to give up and just lie on the ground and eat chips and not think about life and my future and my pilled up assignments and my bank account.

PPPPPPS, i need someone to make me feel safe.

someone who is going to tell me 

"don't worry shyne-ni, i got your back."

and really really mean what they say.

hope to see you guys in a long time lol 
(cause i rarely blog unless i'm on the edge of my sanity)